What happens when.....

"Your face is overcome with the universal expression of disapproval:a frown. Sweat pours through the pores of your apocrine and eccrine glands in your hands and pits, as your nervous system tries to keep you cool. Your ticker misses a beat. Your amygdala -the part of your brain dealing with emotions -perceives a threat and your body releases the stress hormone norepinephrine, causing fear and anger. Air is sucked in through your trachea, down to your lung's alveoli -where your agitated breaths fuel your jealous heart. You experience a crushing sensation in your stomach."

Com'on we are all humans. Its ok to feel jealous.

There's someone in my head. Buts it not me!

Its all in the head. They say. The world as you see it. The people as you want them to be. There is a character in my mind. It looks like someone familiar. It talks like a friend. The character started taking shape when I got to know that person better. The character, sitting on my shoulder, listened to all my conversations with that person. And further, it also knows the stuff I wanted to talk to that person but couldn't. Subconsciously the character moulded itself in the way I wanted the person to be. It laughs at my PJs, likes the genre of music I wish that person likes. Eats my kind of food, enjoys my favorite movies. And I took it further. I put the character in so many situations I might face in future that it has developed a certain kind of emotional artificial intelligence of its own. The character is my dream. It has all the features I wanted in someone. I just loved it. Poor heart, it is satisfied by it. But the mind had different plans. It wanted to share the dream. Let the person who inspired it all know the piece of art (which breathes and looks the same as the person) created in my mind. Be envious of it. But finally prove who is the original and who is a mere copy. In the tussles between heart and mind, I guess mind wins always. I think its also fair. You have something worthwhile, might as well flaunt it.

The original wasn't amused by all this (not "thrilled" rather). She couldn't see where the character can get into her skin. Well, what if she couldn't laugh at my jokes. I started making exceptions, slowly stripping the character of all the features, which made it a mere thought. I refused to part with it. I'm not ready to let go of the phantom in my mind. It took years for me to make it like me, know my emotional balances, understand me more than myself. It is now an intelligent self sustaining model in the brain. The kid has grown into an adult. I depend on it now. The no from her did affect the character for a while. Questioning the very existence of it. Lots of self-doubts, days and nights of introspection. After the turmoil, the answer comes clear. Keep them seperate. The copy has undergone so many transformations that the only thing that remains of the original is its shadow. The copy is an original in itself now. It can keep me happy for the time to come till some other original appears and erases the character. I'm happy with it now. Found my peace of mind. My mind likes the person in its own way. Expecting nothing. But hoping that the person knows what an inspiring original it was.

The Variable called girl_of_my_life

In you shell, a variable called girl_of_my_life is defined the moment you see her. You might use the variable for various scripts. After a while, you might think the variable is junk and shouldn't be used in any of your scripts. In fact you might even succeed in not using the variable at all.
Just type
>echo $girl_of_my_life
and you see the value still remains.

Now you get the picture? Unless overwritten, the variable girl_of_my_life has the previous value.

So, you THINK you like it! Do you KNOW that? you WISH!

Early morning 5:30 on a sunday might be the least expected time to blog. But when clarity appears suddenly in your mind, it knows no time zones. I actually might be dreaming now as I search for keys on the keyboard in a zero-watt-bulb lit room. Anyways I hope there is that keyhole through which I get to glance-in glance-out my dream world from reality.

So, you think you like something. I actually like Death By Chocolate (The Mr.Wonka Speciality from Corner House,Banglore) and I know that. Quite often in life, there are things which I wish I like. They are thought more by the 'wannabe' part of myself. For example, I wish I like the super-cool attitude with a 'hi-babe yo-dude' kinda culture.

Then there are things which I think I like. Most of my likings which I say out or which are known to my friends can be grouped into this category. My buddies think that I relish classical rock, enjoy watching movies, devouring lotsa sweets (not these days as I am on diet....trust me, i die-to-diet...its that difficult), like a certain kind of women. They have roots from the environmental in which I grew up, the kinda friends I hang out with and the idols I try to ape (I am proud of copying all those style-gurus as they are all a generation ahead).

Finally, there are things in this world I know I like. These are the few things that I found out give me true happiness. They could be as silly as closing my eyes when I savour a home-made sweet or whisling in a movie theatre when my fav actor comes on the screen.They could be as nostalgic as hearing David Gilmour strum his guitar for comfortably numb. A few of these things are borrowed from my previous list. These are developed more out my personal experience. Trying out things that I think I like and knowing if they give me happiness.The key thing here is trying. You tend to have some liking/disliking towards something. If you just trace back to its roots, it could be because of some very arbit & insignificant piece of moment.

The quicker you know the things you like, the faster you can reach the ultimate happiness. The key thing again is trying; read signals from life, act on it. You could be wrong. Its ok to fail. Atleast you tried to find your true calling. You gave the universe its fair chance to change your life. And trust me, it never fails. You may feel you are on the wrong track, you may think you are wasting your time now. See the big picture. When I take the first step out from my home towards MG road (which btw is on the west-side of CV Raman Nagar), I dont necessarily start going towards west.

All I am saying is in life what matters is the ride and not the destination. In a roller-coaster ride, it ain't fun if you are just waiting for trip to finish. Start knowing things which give you true happiness. You may have a few surprises in the list! And always give the all powerful universe its fair chance to change your life. You never know!

Break time

I cannot comprehend why people say they had a break-up. I think the break-up term applies only to the girl. For the guy it’s always break-down. He breaks down like a love-lost-devadas. Ever heard paaru (parvati, deva’s first love) drink herself to death. This is one of the times when the guy is the fool and girl is the smarter ass. Go back a few months and you’ll know.

It all starts with the eyes. He sees her and says “Woow.” She sees him and doesn’t say anything. Sub consciously her eyes send the physical characteristics of the guy to the processing unit. Brain does its 128-bit calculations of his facial symmetry – can I have kids with him; he passes the preliminary test of a potential mate’s fertility.

Kids?? I can still hear the echo of “Woow”.

And then they talk. He talks and and she listens. The multi-tasking women’s brain unknowingly assesses the man’s social behaviour, group dynamics – can he feed my family? stamped yes. She talks, the guy still “Woow”ing . Our “ potential mate” hasn’t crossed the stage-1 and is still awe-struck seeing her. Damn guys, low pass filters!

Proceed to stage-3, the smell and the feel of the woman intoxicates man to madness pushing him back to stage-0 “Can I take her to bed?—yes ”. Yes, you guessed it right, women does the pre-final evaluation of the mate’s fertility in the background as she gives those smiles. Both end up having amazing sex (or atleast get closer to that), but expectations out of that are entirely different.

Listing the reasons of break-up (or break-down incase of guys) is futile here. A week into break-up, women (damn women, high pass filters!) prepare their questionnaire of procreation (think Species1-2-3). They move-on. Two months into break-up, the guy still hopes that one fine morning he gets up and finds his ex beside him.

Actually, if left for himself he would continue thinking about the girl for decades. All the while breaking down, wasting time, not able to concentrate on work. Here comes the fool-proof solution to guys, find another girl! The getting over starts only when another girl comes into his life (sticky bit, haan!). And the time it takes to recover depends how many stages he passed from eyes, ears to touch. The higher the stage, exponentially longer it takes to recover. This comes naturally, epitomized in bollywood. The adaptable woman asks the few questions and who ever fit the bill is her mate. Poor guy on the other side has no questions and worse no memory of the woman’s history, willing to accept her when ever she comes back.

Disclaimer: None of the observations are inspired by real life incidents. Any resemblance to actual situations is purely coincidental.

Indeed vi are dual.

We interact with the world in similar way as circuits interact with each other. The individual is manifested at various levels...right from electron to a complex processor.Well there is a school of thought which continues to argue that electron is a male and hole is a female (figuretively too!).Well hole is a lot heavier, slower than electron. On the other hand there are people discussing Nmos is male and Pmos is a female. I do not want to get into the details and get my hands 'dirty'.All i can say is its woman-on-top all over the world.

We can bring in the dual nature of an individual (pronounced: indeed vi are dual) by starting to think each of it as a signal. He takes birth at t=0, with some DC value (some say its random, but i feel its determined by the planetary positions at the time of birth!).All through the life, he gets affected by various conditions, noise from various sources (his own, from friends, from god and everywhere) gives his otherwise dull life (call it DC) a spice to wonder about. He has his own highs and lows. Gets saturated (with spirits) when he is on a high, needs a buddy by his side when he is low. After observing a signal for enough time, you can split him into various frequencies. He has a dull side, high energy side, witty side, angry side....all in various bands, with different amplitudes.

In the journey, he gets coupled with other signals.Some of his frequencies match with others' and they end up spending time together.Helping each other in Hi's and Lo's..Some signals stay through out the life. But each signal has a complementary differential signal.Though it looks like they are of different amplitude, its only matter of time that they understand they have a common mode.Both signals go around each other all the time, have similar frequency components.The true strength comes into picture when confronted with noise. A perfect complementary signal is totally immune to noise (from outside world), protecting their information carefully. To begin with, one is tagged DP, other DN. But in the long run it doesnt really matter which is positive and which is negative.

Some signals think they are just single ended ones. They feel completely asynchronous with every other signal. Their amplitude makes them feel like king of the lane.They forget that they do have a complementary signal just designed to get coupled. But boy, arent they susceptible to noise. Thats the time when they are supposed to bring down their amplitude and start looking for their differential partner. Its just a matter of adjusting its skew and voila! it feels perfectly in tune with another signal. An eternal bliss, two signals dancing with each other paying deaf ear to all the noise in the world. Thats the time when no one needs to look up to god and ask "Lock Kiya Jaye?".Indeed we are dual.

May be it requires another stream of thoughts to discuss the mismatch effects and the systems' perspective of Individual.

life,song & everything else

My life is a song. I'm the lead. I sing it day-in-day-out. Universe is my orchestra.People are my chorus. I can sing it only once, no re-recording! I get to wink at universe to play to my tunes. I can hint the chorus to sing in my stanzas. As I sing, I also get to listen to other songs. Its all messy when I try to listen to every song. So I listen when I get a breather from my stanza, when the orchestra or chorus take over for a while.

Beginning of the song, its just the music. I listen till I can clear my throat and start singing.I patch with buddies, whose song is akin to mine, similar tunes you know! Soon a female lead might join and start a duet.

I can sing to the tunes of universe or make it arrange music for my song. The chorus can sing their own words or I can ask help and make my song a complete one. I can sit quietly as I sing. Or I can dance.

Its a lot easier to let life pass by me. I am through it and not feel it. It can be a 100m sprint, where I run as fast as I can to come first.But I miss the fantastic views all the way long. When you are at the end of the race, it doesnt matter who finishes on the podium, what matters is the smile you put and the words "woow! what a ride".